Mystic Writer

Peeking out to see if there is a real world out there...

Friday, March 13, 2009

A momentary hope

When first I started this blog, I was finding to my surprise that I was falling in love with the woman I've been calling TB in this blog. I was married at the time, albeit with little satisfaction, so falling in love wasn't a convenient thing to do. I fought it for a while, denying my feelings, then tried to convince myself it was a simple infatuation, something to compensate for the dreariness of my marriage.

I kept my feelings to myself, not sharing them with TB or anyone else I knew (though, of course, posting them on this blog, which has so far remained anonymous). Over time, TB and I became good friends, which I find surprising looking back as I know how much I wanted to be with her, and it's hard for me to imagine that somehow a friendship could survive that desire, much less thrive. Yet thrive it did.

I started to realize something else as time passed - how I felt about TB wasn't the sort of needy kind of love I had felt in previous relationships. It wasn't the sort of feeling of swoopy joy when a new found love validates ones ego, or the sense of pursuit and capture. The feeling was far more sublime, as if my connection with TB made the whole world larger, as if I could suddenly see further, laugh more truly, simply appreciate everything more deeply. No one else had ever made me feel that way. To me, it was a gift beyond anything I had ever imagined. It's a gift I carry to this day, and something I am still profoundly grateful for.

TB moved away about two years ago, and I didn't see her again till this fall. Our communication during the two years had slowly fallen off, and so I wasn't sure how welcome I would be when I impulsively visited her on a trip to the four corners region of the USA. Our friendship hadn't lost anything in our time apart, and even more surprisingly, the feeling of joyous expansion was present, and overwhelming. When I left her in the late evening, I was wondering if I should say something about the feeling, but then the reality of fatherhood and having to stay in Minnesota reasserted itself, and I left with a simple goodbye and happy smile.

Over the next two months we exchanged letters and phone calls, and I re-established my equilibrium, and then I found out she was dating someone new. She stopped writing, and I convinced myself it was OK - in truth, I was happy for her.

Four weeks ago I received a little note from TB, nothing exceptional, and as I had a lot going on and I was deliberately moderating my feelings, I waited a week or so, then wrote her a quick, friendly update of what was going on in my life - typical of the types of things you might read in this blog.

Moments after sending the e-mail there was a reply from her, disjointed and obviously written in a tremendous rush. Read optimistically, I thought it might be saying something I'd barely allowed myself to dream. I read it through a number of times, tried to get some perspective by getting in touch with Reb and other female friends but wasn't able to, and finally wrote TB a reply that did not exceed the bounds of friendship, but did undoubtedly state that my feelings for her were strong and deep.

There was no reply - another several days went by, and I once again found a place of stability, and out of the blue TB sent out facebook friend invitations to one of her friends and myself, and when I accepted the friendship, the first volley of messages from TB's friend seemed to all include statements of how often TB talked about me. It felt very good, and I allowed myself to hope, even though there had been no reply to my note.

Then, last Friday, TB changed her status on Facebook to being in a committed relationship, and the little hope that should never have been turned to pain.

I worked through things last weekend - I still haven't had a reply from TB, nor do I expect one any time soon, though I'll continue to be her friend, and her friends friend.

On my birthday, TB wrote to me that I was one of the rare people who had faith in the path I was following, and as is often the case, she was right. I know this - I know that if I act out of the knowledge of what feels true, and not out of fear, I know where my life will lead. I know that this incredible gift I have gotten from TB - this heady powerful enriching feeling she inspires in me, will be found again, and with someone whom will find the same gift in me.

I know this to be true, and so, for while today I am alone, I am alone and happy.

28 Comments:

  • At 7:31 AM, Blogger craziequeen said…

    Hey mw - wow, this relationship has gone through all the phases to reach the plateau of 'friendship' :-)

    Tanya sent me to say hello this morning (afternoon here in the UK).

    cq

     
  • At 2:24 PM, Blogger Teena in Toronto said…

    There's nothing wrong with being alone.

    BTW, NetChick sent me.

     
  • At 5:51 PM, Blogger Star said…

    Such a roller coaster of emotion. If it was meant to be more it will be one day. I applaud you poitive attude. NetChik sent me.

     
  • At 7:09 PM, Blogger Carmi said…

    I'm with Teena: flying solo often allows us the opportunity to connect more closely with who we are.

    Although I'm happily married, I deliberately seek out opportunities to have time alone. It's an important means of maintaining balance, as well as a strong sense of who I am.

    I'm so sorry this has been a difficult journey for you, but am glad to see how you always manage to see the opportunity in challenging times.

    Popped by from Tanya's this eve.

     
  • At 2:11 PM, Blogger d.challener roe said…

    Yes, flying solo can be good, as long as you're on good terms with yourself---which isn't meant to be as flip as it sounds.

    NetChick sent me today...

     
  • At 7:14 PM, Blogger David said…

    it is quite an amazing and beautiful story. with pain, you also have gained, and in that growth, you have more of the antidote to the all too common relationship flu: stomach flutter, followed by fever, and then someone throws up. (or is thrown over) I have stories to tell but I am a bit too public to do it in the blog. suffice it to say that I know all those feelings described here.

     
  • At 2:00 PM, Blogger Hapi said…

    hello... hapi blogging... have a nice day! just visiting here....

     
  • At 2:30 PM, Blogger File said…

    Download Forum Poster V3 3.0 at FileAfro.com

    http://www.fileafro.com/view_forum-poster-v3-30.html

     
  • At 4:30 AM, Blogger Keyword said…

    hello... you may submit this blog to my webBlog Directory, keyworddir.info.. have a nice day!

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  • At 11:09 AM, Blogger dorothy said…

    hey mw, I have no spam ^ for you, but IF i did it would be pan fried and served with rye toast and a couple eggs-over-easy.

    My pain, just took a gain, and now I have hospital visits to add to my weekly tasks (if I choose to continue my madness, which I do)

    you are both fortunate to have had such a friendship for so long.

    I am not sick - I am visiting another

     
  • At 7:30 PM, Blogger natasha said…

  • At 10:48 PM, Blogger David said…

    come on over to the meet n greet we miss you

     
  • At 8:59 AM, Blogger David said…

    will you visit Tanya's this weekend?

     
  • At 1:17 PM, Blogger David said…

    time for another long walk in the woods ( for both of us)

     
  • At 10:10 AM, Blogger shari said…

    stumbled across this blog about a month ago and I'm waiting for you to update! :)

     
  • At 4:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You dum-dum. You should have told her when you had the chance all those years ago like I told you. Never ignore your heart.However socially inconvenient.

     
  • At 4:42 PM, Blogger indavao said…

  • At 2:00 AM, Blogger tagskie said…

    hi.. just dropping by here... have a nice day! http://kantahanan.blogspot.com/

     
  • At 4:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You thought "I" was anonymous?

    I would never, EVER call anyone dum-dum.

    I would have said, "You should have told her years ago, doodoohead."

    :)

    Let's make up.

     
  • At 8:00 AM, Blogger JanuskieZ said…

    Hi... Looking ways to market your blog? try this: http://bit.ly/instantvisitors

     
  • At 8:04 AM, Blogger David said…

    um spam piling up in your driveway.

     
  • At 8:04 AM, Blogger David said…

    and 2996 Never forget

     
  • At 5:00 PM, Blogger joven said…

    thanks,this is my site
    http://kaminyoon.blogspot.com/.. be a follower..more wedding ideas!

     
  • At 5:30 PM, Blogger joven said…

    http://loveumuch143.blogspot.com/..learn how to love more deeper...be a follower..thanks..

     
  • At 9:43 AM, Blogger David said…

    where are you, brother? and where ever that is, i pray that your soul prospers, and that wisdom flows in.
    the story goes on, we are just the scribes.
    peace

     
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  • At 12:27 AM, Anonymous IT Support Manchester said…

    Hmm then what to do.... nothing to do .

     
  • At 11:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey George didn't know if I would find you again. I googled you and here you are. I've missed hearing from you. Come find me on Society31. Same name KoldasIce.

    Beth

     

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